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Condensed version of History for those who slept through World History 101
Humans
originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer
and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel.
The
wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together
were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct
subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was
discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while
our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented,
they
just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some
men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BB Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known
as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less
skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up
for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing.
This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these
liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as
girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs,
the evolution oft he Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic
voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives
provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the
elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern
liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef
well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule
because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives
drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their
women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers,
corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works
productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives
who
want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing.
They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the
production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than
Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when
conservatives were coming to America! . They crept in after the Wild
West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
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